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To think that I was going to be a mom is exciting, but it is even more astonishing to know that “Hey! This is it, my pregnancy test is positive!!! For REAL… But there are some circumstances that are inevitable and miscarriage is one of those. 

Miscarriage is some of the topics that many women don’t want to talk about. I for one was guilty about that. 

To be honest I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. I know it was over 2 years ago but the ache of devastation, hopelessness, alone is still there. I guess I should start from the beginning.

Test after Test 

I was 10 days delayed and I did pregnancy tests a couple of times already. And here I was thinking to myself “here I go it again.” I was so prepared for a negative. I was so prepared for it and to my surprise, I broke down sobbing with happiness when the test read pregnant. A word I thought I would never ever see for myself. I was still a little skeptical about the whole thing so I waited until the next day to do my ultrasound.

The Hour of the Result 

November, we went in for my first ultrasound test. I told the lady that we got a positive test at home so I was hopeful. I’m on my 6th weeks when the Sonologist did my ultrasound the only thing he said was “come back next week to check again, I cant see the heartbeat right now maybe next week it might show up.” On my 7th weeks, he said the same thing, I was speechless. I don’t know how to react but I’m hoping everything will be all right by our next visit. 

It was the 4th of December my birthday, instead of celebrating somewhere I choose to celebrate it with our future baby in the ultrasound room, hoping and praying that his/her heartbeat will show up soon. 

“You are on 9th weeks now, still I can’t see the heartbeat of the baby. There is no heartbeat, your Ob-gyne will be the one to ABORT, rather the D&C. I’m sorry.”

I suddenly felt so cold and numb. The doctor was talking about our baby. My baby that I had been thanking God as our greatest present for my birthday, now gone. It felt so hurtful that we couldn’t manage to tell our family about the bad news.

The Day I never Envision

I never felt this kind of loss. A part of me still asks,  “Is this a miscarriage?” why it so early…. but I was pregnant. I have a baby. Not in the normal sense, In a very short time, I was a mom. It was too sudden….that feeling of pure joy gone in an instant. That time I can’t even explain the level of loss, the level of emptiness I felt. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process anything. No words can express that feeling of losing a special one inside you which you never got to see. At my bedside, I was sitting, waiting for the drugs to take effect and for the process of the actual miscarriage to start. All I can think about is this sweet baby inside, and how loved he or she was.

After a month my body was back to normal, but it took me nearly  4 months to fully recover and pull myself together from the biggest loss of my life. 

The Recovery Period

As I was struggling to get myself back, I read this do’s and don’ts from Chandrama Anderson 

Five Do’s and Don’ts for Surviving Miscarriage

Do’s:

1. Let yourself feel your feelings (they don’t go away by being swept under the rug). Share them with your partner. Partner: listen well, even if your view is different. Then give empathy: e.g., “Honey, I know this is heartbreaking for you. I’m here with you. “

2. Warning: this is a gender-based comment. Recognize that often women feel they’ve lost a baby, and therefore the entire future without the eventual adult child. Men often think miscarriage as a setback in the process of having a family. They may not feel it as the loss of a baby. Neither is right or wrong. Honor your partner’s view with compassion.

3. Focus on building deeper intimacy as a couple as a result of this shared loss. Let it build character in each of you and strength for other challenges that are sure to come in life. Talk about how you’re handling this together and ask for what you need.

4. Be with your partner when she is having a miscarriage, even if it is uncomfortable or inconvenient for you. Cancel all your meetings, and make it a priority to do whatever you need to do to be with her. If your brain goes into a fight or flight response, resist it and stay put.

5. Seek professional support if you’re having trouble working through it, e.g., your sadness is becoming a depression, or if your couple’s communication is breaking down.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t blame yourself; you did not do anything to cause this miscarriage.

2. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Talking about it with each other and other people will let it be real. It did happen, and that helps normalize your experience as part of generations of humanity.

3. Don’t wallow in it. I realize I just said to feel your feelings and don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Use your resilience to both acknowledge what happened and not wallow in it. Do activities you enjoy, eat well, exercise and give excellent care to yourself and your partner. Don’t drink much, it’s a depressant.

4. Don’t be surprised or take it personally if people say things that are meant to help, but are hurtful. For example, “Well, you can always try again.” or “Your baby is in heaven now.”

5. Don’t worry about another miscarriage: only 1% of women have multiple miscarriages.

Lastly, but not least: when you get pregnant again, enjoy it with your heart and soul.

I’m still grateful after Miscarriage 

I am grateful for the depth of understanding I gained through this experience. I learned that the things we plan for the most will teach us our greatest lessons. Through the experience of my first pregnancy, I have been able to release some of the deep fear and anxiety I had around pregnancy. I got only the smallest fraction of a taste of the love (and care and worry and all the other stuff) that a parent has for a child. And this tiniest fraction that I experienced makes the full-blown feelings a parent has for a child seem unfathomable.

I am blessed with a husband who supported me through every step of the short pregnancy to its very end with unconditional love and presence. And to my family who always there for me. 

“God will fight your battles if you just keep still. He is able to carry you through. Trust Him. Keep standing, keep believing and keep hoping.” ― Germany Kent

And I am so thankful to HIM, Now HE grants my wish. 4th of December 2017 HE gave me my greatest gift…

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

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Leslie Codilan

Social Media Marketing Manager at Empowering Events

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